when my dad was in college he had a friend who told a girl he’d take her on a date unlike any other she’d ever been on and so he took her to the supermarket to watch the lobsters fighting in the lobster tank
they’re married now
"Money can’t make you happy"
WELL IT SURE AS HELL AINT GONNA MAKE ME SAD
People: *try accusing me of being part of the illuminati*
my brother had a dream he spent 20 dollars on a hotdog and he woke up screaming
the reason this generation is failing is because we’re not motivated enough to make money. all the people on the dollar bills are dead. they’re not relevant and teens just can’t connect. we need money with memes and beyonce on it
my mom went to high school with jamie lee curtis and one time they both got caught smoking pot together and jamie told the teacher it was my mom’s and my mom was suspended and jamie lee got no punishment so think about that next time you want some activia
the laxative yogurt lady fucked over my mom
mark hoppus u smooth ass son of a bitch
"Tim keeps having me kill his wife in his movies… I don’t know what that means," -Johnny Depp
I love this post
A muggleborn and pureblood couple having their first child and the pureblood not knowing about ultrasounds so they don’t understand why their partner is dragging them to a muggle doctor until they get there and suddenly they see a physical picture of their newborn child and hear it’s little heartbeat and it’s better than any magic they’ve ever seen.